puisi untuk jalang

engkau itu jalang
tatkala kau biar liurnya menjejes di tiap lintang tubuhmu
tika kau erangkan namanya di sekejung erotismu
waktu kau kaburkan kasih aku demi bohongnya.

engkau itu sundal
tatkala kau biar hati kamu bernanah curang
tika kau pandangkan wajah puas keparat itu
waktu kau lemparkan senyum palsu ku kira milikku.

engkau itu bangsat
tatkala kau rela jiwamu dimamah taburan dusta
tika kau kekeh meliuk getis dek jemari sialnya
waktu kau genggam ubunnya bagai aku dulu.

engkau itu bajingan
tatkala kau lelong hati aku ini pada angin
tika kau siat-siat jantung aku ke percaan
waktu kau henyak runtun nyawaku bertabur.

dan aku ini lelaki dayus
tatkala aku masih berlutut di muka pintu
tika aku melolong pada rembulan wajahmu
waktu aku mengemis sisa kasihmu.

yang bukan milik aku,
tak pernah milik aku.

i wrote this for a dear male friend, who, in my eyes are one dumb lovestucked. His girl was two-timing him, and still, uff. Stupid. But hecks, love is such a crazy lil thing.

mei ketiga-belas Itu

ingin saya mencanting angin,
melarik awan untuk mengisah
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

ingin saya merobek tanah,
memaku lumpur untuk cerita,
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

apa yang jadi, wahai atok wahai moyang,
Mei itu,
yang berdarah itu,
yang masih bernanah,
cuma diperbuat tak tahu.

aku mau pergi

pekikkan rasa cinta engkau
kerna aku sudah lupa
jerit sehabis nafas
maka aku ingat
maka aku ingat.

lepaskan aku si burung liar
bersarang di langit
bermandi di hujan
ini bukan rumahku
ini bukan rumahku

mungkin kasih sudah habis
mungkin jiwa sudah tewas
aku sudah ranap.

when my father said "you know better"

rebel sneakouts and harsh cussing fights,

screaming to the door, screaming all nights,

vengeance and hatred filled each part of vein,

rather drink my own blood, rather be in pain.

we hated each other, we hated to our bones,

even hated god, like "please get off thy throne!"

cause i felt he neglected me too much already,

i was so torn apart, so full of misery.

i wish i had a thrice better father, i said,

the type who showers me what i never had,

maybe just be that one to be very close,

or at least be a person who never oppose.

yes we were never pals, oh no how could we?

but look at this picture of both you and me,

we made snorting faces and there we grinned,

gosh look where we are now, where have we been?

i guess it started during school time, maybe,

when friends understood better than you could be,

and we just follow the flow, we drifted away,

until we made believe that everything is okay.

grew apart and that was never a big deal,

it's not that we don't care, we just cant feel,

but years gone by and i am now a woman,

and i want to fix it all, undo the pain and leash the demon.

such a feeling today, meeting my father,

t'was not planned but glad to see each other,

we hugged like nothing had ever happened,

ole friends we were oh my, out of that sudden!

so we started chatting and talking and laughing,

to the point where somehow i felt this comfort feeling,

that i burst a few tears about life and all,

how the world is hard and how i almost fall.

but my father just smiled and my heart just shatter—

when my father said to me "honey, you know better",

oh that was it, that was that moment i've waited,

the time i had been fighting for, and now i hate it.

i wish i am still his little girl, his little star,

i want to reverse it all, the stories we are,

i don't want to answer, i do not know better,

i need only one thing, i need my father.