kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu?

kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu
yang mukanya manis suaranya merdu
ke mana pergi mentari kan menari
hadirnya dia sepi kan pasti pergi

gadis itu sanggup memberi jika kau pinta
akan cebisan akhir rotinya walau engkau siapa
tiada balasan melainkan satu
kau sudi mencintanya ke akhir waktu

kenal atau tidak kau akan gadis itu
yang ketawanya ceria menutup sendu
taukah kau tentang renungnya yg tembus ke tujuh langit
sedarkah kamu akan hatinya yg merintih sakit

semua berkata ‘akulah temannya’ ‘akulah sahabatnya’
namun hakikat kenalkah kau dia
apa kau tau yang gelaknya nan riang
sekadar luaran yg tentunya jelas di tika terang

jujur sajalah, taukah kau yang di balik segala
di penjuru malam, tika bulan berselimut, setelah habis semua ketawa
sendirian gadis itu mengalirkan kesepian
lewat mata bundar yg asalnya kau kira menawan

mariku perikan kisah gadis ini
yang di sekian gelap jiwanya bernyanyi
menzikir nama kekasih yang tak pernah ujud
menanti kehadiran seorng pecinta untuk mencintanya dgn zuhud

dia ingin disayang dia mau dikasih
dia hendak dimanja diulit cinta bersih
namun tahukah kamu keinginan hatinya
atau sudahkah manis bicaranya buat kau buta

dia menyeru untuk ketemu di syurgawi
bosan amat dgn segala topeng hipokrasi
yang dia pakai sekian lama membahagia manusia
selain dia selain dirinya

kenalkah dikau pada kepenatan semangat si gadis
terlalu penat sehingga akalnya mengeluh sadis
zahir dia punya ramai taulan berjuta teman
hakiki, di hujung malam tetap dia sendirian

biar aku khabar pada kamu
gadis itu sedang menunggu dan sentiasa menunggu
datangnya satu lelaki yg bisa merangkul jiwanya
dan membawanya pulang ke desa asmara

kau takkan kenal gadis itu
kerana bijak benar dia menipu
kau takkan tau kerna dia malu menunjuk kosong hidupnya
kau takkan bisa kerna kau takkan mau percaya

di balik senyum yg kau suka lihat pada si wajah
ada sembunyi satu tangisan yang tak pernah sudah
di antara tawa yg dia pamer untuk kau puja
ada wujud rasa bohong yg entah bila akhirnya

kenalkah kalian padanya
gadis yg mencintai semua kecuali dirinya
kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu
dia ada di dekat di sini cuma kau yg tak tau.

abah

they promised me love, they said they were true,

hey showed me happiness, and i thought it was, too,

they whispered they’d stick around, they said they will,

they told me to fight the world, so i blindly go downhill.

and you warned me not to, and you reminded me all,

foolish as i was, i remained wrong yet i stood tall,

so we fought and talked back and we just didn’t speak,

all for the sake of my immature thought that I had grown big.

when everyone says “i love you-s”, i melted and proud,

but when we talk—all i can give is shout; and more shouts,

i long for love from others, when i have a mountain from you,

i guess i am not that smart as i thought—i guess you knew.

maybe i was jealous of my brother, maybe i wanted to be a son,

maybe i was just being silly, but maybe i want to be your only one,

maybe that’s why i believed what they had lied to me,

maybe that’s what i want to believe—instead of being sorry.

and then came the day when they all just disappeared,

i was left with all deceits—frustrated and lonely, i feared—

all you said became true, everything you warned happened,

i felt dead, i felt stupid, i felt useless out of that sudden.

surprisingly when everything went bad and disastrous,

and when i thought you’d kill me as you were so monstrous,

what shed me to tears was you were the only man behind,

giving your strength to support me physical and mind.

you are my only love, my only man, my only soulmate,

you love me to the seventh sky even though you had never said,

yes, we fought and stop talking and then we back to okay,

but only you , abah, who deserves this little girl’s father’s day.

i love you, more than i have loved anyone else.

(the clown's) suicide note

does anyone know me?
does anyone care to pity?
would anyone stop here?
would anyone shed a tear?

this is a suicide note, ladies and gentlemen,
from a sad, pathetic girl, full of lament,
stranded alone with none to share with,
muted by force, existed by myth.

mirror, mirror, tell me who do you see?
even the mirror said, 'Is there anyone talking to me?'
i wish for nothing but a sincere smile,
but even I can't love myself all this while!

'look, people! it's the clown walking towards!
come on, now, crack us a joke, or imitate that bird!'
and i'll be tiptoeing with laughter and warmth,
be mimicking all sorts of facade and forms.

by then, people loves my moves, adores my laughs,
all would envy my life, so free like doves,
what more could I wish but for me to be her,
walking in fame, the clown, with glitters.

seriously, does anyone know this girl?
can you describe the joy existed in her world?
she provides smiles on your face, little or big,
aids when you need, in health, in sick.

tell me, you did look at the clown in the eyes
and can you swear you saw happiness, fun and sly?
talk not to her lips but that small part of face,
the eyes that are cold, covered by water lace.

i am a primadonna on stage and in life,
i wont tell you anything but what you see in precise,
but hey, a clown wouldn't wear any frown,
after all, 'people, here comes the clown!'

so this letter is addressed to none,
when some of you might find this rather fun,
if a death would be counted as a loss,
mine would be seen as nature's force.

do I smell that bad?
was it the look I never had?
do I embarrass you?
was it the funny looking shoe?

should I pay for a hug?
must I spend thousands of bucks?
should I care not all of this?
must I fake it all bliss?

i wish to end this misery,
i wish to stop this lunacy,
but the more I wish the more I realize,
this suicide note doesn't value a thousand dies!

even if I cease my life under the spotlight,
yes, it's true, people, I would have might,
if the clown you desire on having,
then pity me, my life isn't worth saving!

adieu, adieu, you cruel world,
later I would be a corpse rather than a girl,
call me stupid, call me all names all over town,
but I refuse to be forever known as The Clown!

lari dan terus lari

berlari ke arah terbitnya mentari
dan berlari sambil mata terpejam
lari dan terus lari
lari untuk mengejar mimpi yang memadam

namun sekuat mana larian itu
takkan mampu memanusia sang impian
lari dan terus lari
pada satu ingin yang hanya harapan.

masih berlari menuju langit subuh
dan mendepang tangan untuk memeluk pagi
lari dan terus lari.
satu larian yang tak ada henti.

lari dan terus lari.
tanpa erti.
maka, berhentilah.

the 15 minutes on the stage

so this is my hum for you
to those who feel inadequate
and those who feel they are never good enough
to everyone who would feel this voice
feeling not perfect.

the truth is.
*humming*

the truth is,
*unslipping left heel*
my thighs are thick.

the truth is,
*unslipping right heel*
my feet are gargantuan.

the truth is,
*wiping off lipstick*
my lips are slanted.

the truth is,
*lifting up the shawl on the forehead*
my eyes are a little crossed.

the truth is,
*grinning wide*
my teeth are not straight.

*humming*

the truth is, I do not have that many of friends.
the truth is, I hurt those I love the most.
the truth is, I have problem being loved.
the truth is, I never see my worth.
the truth is, I have a father who i wish to impress.
the truth is, I have such a perfect brother in everyone eyes except mine.
the truth is, I am an ugly, full of hatred person.
the truth is, I hate myself every minute, day by day.

*complete silence*
The truth is, I have nothing to be proud of.
The truth is, I fake my smiles.
The truth is, I am sick of being the class clown.
The truth is, I have nothing.
The truth is, I possess nothing.
And all i have is this song.

*humming*
god, Make me be thankful.
god, Let me be in peace.
god, Make people love me please.
god, Make me love me.

*insert sad soprano song*
*complete silence*

thank you, beautiful people.
for making this plain person feels so full.

Close your eyes, and imagine.

the risk

what is it with my fear of being isolated?
having doubts i could never be someone's pet bird.
i wont lay down and let Death just come
when no one is next to give me his arm.

it's not that i'm desperate to have a company
well maybe im just jealous for those who have many
i need not thousands like diana or sue
only one for me to devote and turn to.

okay so i dumped five guys in a row
yeah like they'd be there for me in days of sorrow
it's not that i'm particular or being choosy
but hey we are talking about my future kid's daddy!

then i found you in the middle of un-readiness
when i am damn tired of all the madness
just like dews on cool leaves in the morning
you refresh my life in one fast blink.

but the more i'm avoiding, the more i'm on my knees
i dont want to be hurt, i want promises of peace
and though i said i'll survive without you
i fear every second you'll leave me out of the blue.

cause to commit to another is to take the first step
to the journey that ends with hurt in this relationship map
i cant stand the thought of losing you
but without reaching your hands, who knows if ever that is true?

so i will take the risk no matter how heavy
yes i will take the shame if ever you dump me
for how deep the sore, the pain, the hurt, the cut
i'll stay up straight cause you worth every blood.

always do

oh i just cant wait for that hug waiting for me upon my jump to your arms.
there in KLIA when i come back.
like i always do.

will definitely throw my bags to the floor, watching you watch me unharmed.
and listen to every single questions and checks.
like you always do.

then we'll kiss and we'll hug and we'll do all the yummy yum yum.
care not for the people, and say what the heck.
like we always do.

like we always have. like we will forever.
cause we love each other to the seven skies.
oh yes sure we do.

melankoli sang hati

menarilah jari!
tarikan sekian hati lara.
pada segala awan kebencian.
pada setiap hujan kepedihan.

tari biar gemalai.
maka sang penonton bersorak takjub.
sangkanya molek ditepuk pula tangan.
walhal hati tercemar duri.

perbetul sanggul kamu.
usah ingkar wahai mahkota hitam.
jemari, kisahkan yang terang.
diamkan yang malap.

tapi aku tak bisa, bangsat!
masakan mungkin ditari wajah cengeng?
sedang bahasa pun tersongsang
apa lagi membelit yang hak.

melankoli sang hati.
tapi jemari yang remang.
sebutan puisi ini hambar.
persetanlah kau jari-jari bodoh.

aku sebenarnya di kejauhan.
membungkus diri dari dunia.
kerana aku takut berdekat.
yang mana pasti tak selamanya.

find me a place to call home

there's a home where i used to live
where i used to start all my dreams and believe
i've been there as long as i can ever remember
that i care about anything else never

i lived there for ages and so long
alone i danced and hummed my song
about how i love being there in that little place
not knowing what one day i'll have to face

so here i'm telling u what happened one day
the home i lived in refused to let me play
stop sheltering me from bad Mr.Sun and cruel Mr.Rain
i was sent alone with nothing but pain

all by myself i wandered in the dark black jungle
finding everything is very hard to mingle
cold,lonely and sad without the home i had
asking every single day,"what did i do bad?"

with tears running on my silly chilled cheek
i found a new home,with my feet feeling weak
i saw no one staying there, so i supposed
maybe i can live there as the new host

the new home made me feel good again
though not as equal but i forgot my pain
i started dancing and humming and singing
the warmth and welcomed the new home had bring

i did not remember anything about my past
i forget this new happiness also would never last
when i was just starting to settle down
unsuspecting and shocked, this is what i found

the new home was another's home all this time
how heartbroken i was so i started this rhyme
again i am sent away to wander around
asking God,"do you like to see me down?"

now i am all alone again in this dark black jungle
hoping for something else to light and tinkle
but the more and more i think about this
the more and more i tremble my fist

maybe i'll go back to the ole home of mine
though i'm hurt the most by it, well it's fine
maybe it's better to be hated in ur own place
then begging other's mercy and sympathy and grace

if truly there's no place made me belong
if really there's no one to listen to my song
then it's not my fault that i'm born to be me
then it's not my mistake, this is life, simply.

me, lucifer & the angel.

sitting in the arms of the Angel,
with my head in my hands,
fear of the big ferocious world.

the breeze of Lucifer's whisper,
calling me to come out play,
to the open field of amber.

out, out, come i was called,
play with fire, it warms me up.
come, come, be bold.

my eyes are thrown to the redness,
wanting, longing to be in warmth,
where i saw The Highness.

angel's wings and soothing promises,
need not i right now,
rise and sent Angel flying kisses.

there in the middle of amber field,
lucifer embraced me, laughing loud,
and all my lust are filled.

phobia.

please don't die.
let alone this moment.
don't even get sick.
i'm casting this spell now.

and don't you lie
when you speak of commitment.
walk with, I'm weak.
can't without, dumb of how.

can't tell you why.
it's a feeling you've to learn.
a secret you've to leak.
you've promised in your vow.

forget goodbye.
put it in boxes you'd burn.
call me a freak;
it's for you alone shall I bow.

Commitment phobia? You tell me.

the lunch break

sitting here alone on a lunch hour,
looking at pathetic hypocrites friends,
how masked and fake, treating each other,
laughing aloud, smiles exchanged, clapping hands.

these lambs i observe do not know,
the air is filth with puzzles and cautions,
damn the absents so secrets wont show,
oh how obvious! oh everyday this happens!

they laugh with stiff brows and soul-less lips,
and talk about how fun they had that day,
they say about staying together to every bits,
when in their hearts they despise the stay.

sometimes they pay me a few glimpse,
giving the same smile that they thought i need,
but sorry silly lambs, i had noticed,
your wolf's skin you hid under those feet.

I wrote this upon watching a group of friends during my break time. My oh my, how people are scary.

deep inside

smile
to fake.
laugh:
exaggerate.
never cry,
everyone you love dies.
let go everything you crave
to earn things you hate.
life is never fair
so be it!
be the person people expect.

cause you were long dead
deep inside,
when you locked yourself
deep inside.

Why satisfy others, they are insatiable. Well, we are just pathetic for worrying about being accepted, even if it costs you your self-respect.

not quite a charm.

i am not a barbie doll
this face is bare and I'm not tall,
with only my corpus i came forth,
with only my smiles i went up north.

does people see my eyes or my wit?
or do they stare at my masculine-built?
is it them who scared me to death?
or is it me going cuckoo like McBeth?

please, sir, i am not gorgeous,
but hear me roar from this urges,
long legs, firm thighs pink bosoms,
have those not, but i am awesome.

i notice i'm a bit rough,
i realize i never have enough,
i fear i used too many i's,
but i have to speak up or i'll die.

no i am not a pretty thing,
so take me seriously for whatever I'm saying,
beauty is temporary and beauty never last,
sit tight then, and have a great blast.

should i show my glass heart

on the cliff, hangin' on loose,
prays of miracles in each point seconds,
in just one huff and another puff,
angels defeated, rose the demons.

my heart is made of glass,
and how it's vulnerable and weak,
shatter now or just burst,
tremble not or fall this peak.

spectators cheering, prejudices speak up,
none now matter, everything is doubting,
should i show my glass heart, should i fake and lie?
should i grin and smile, wait helplessly and sing?

Dont you just hate waiting for that 'Yes' when you want something oh so really bad? You can't help but become this nervouse-confidence-wreck. Part of you says 'definitely', the other yells 'no way' and a big chunk questions all sort of 'what if'-s.