sunyi

sang hati yang tersiatkan.
si jiwa yang dipercakan.
lemah sekalian inci badan.
nyawa yang mau melepas tangan.

payahnya seorang aku yang gila.
mau bertopeng tidak bertelinga.
hendak menghujan, tertitis ketawa.
mahu berdepan, bayang tiada.

ayah, aku sedang mati.
ibu, bawa aku kembali.
aku sunyi.
aku benci.

hey hey hunny

my new red sneakers are soaked
my bike is out of service
haven't eaten since morning
nuthin' here made me pleased

and i say hey hey hunny
it's still a very cute day
cause you said to me "baby -
i wanna meetcha today"

ran 5 miles till my feet bruised
dogs tried to bit me few times
fell into the mud just now
i even lose my last dime

and i say hey hey hunny
it's still a very cute day
cause you said to me "baby -
i wanna meetcha you today"

hey hunny hey hey
a very cute day

and i say hey hey hunny
it's still a very cute day
right until you say "sorry -
let's go on separate ways"

so i say hey hey hunny
now this is my suckiest day.

a lyric for my most talented musician friend, AGcoco. Let's hope the tune be ready soon. This AG, he is going to be big one day, and I know it. Godbless, G.

mockin' on heaven's floor

mama take this heart off from me
i can't use it anymore
it's getting dark, too dark to see
feels like I'm mockin' on heaven's door

mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door

mama put my pride in the ground
i can't hold them anymore
that cold black sense is comin' down
feels like I'm mockin' on heaven's door

mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door
mock-mock-mockin' on heaven's door

A parody? Not quite. Re-altering while plagiarising. Beautiful song, beutifully crafted. Guns & Roses.

anak naga dan dermaga II

aku seorang anak gila yang sukakan satu dermaga itu
di mana pada sekian suluhan mentari malam
aku akan lihat sang naga itu melimpas

senyuman naga itu begitu indah
begitu cantik
begitu menarik

tapi aku hanya seorang gila yang bercakap di sini
dan orang akan jeritkan
"hey orang gila! mana ada naga!"

kemudian, aku pun berkata
"naga itu ada di sini"

aku hari-hari nampak naga itu
yang sedang terbang
di atas puluhan bintang
jutaan awan
lingkungan kasih sang angin

kemudian aku katakan
"hey naga, datang sini

menari
datang
peluk
rangkul
pegang
kagumi aku

sebagaimana aku ini mengagumimu
wahai anak naga,

kerna aku si gila
yang cuma ada hati dan perasaan

dan ku si gila
yang inginkan kasih sayang
cuma aku yang gila"

"si gila! hey, mana ada naga!!!!"

dan hati aku akan menagih kasih
mana naga itu?
hari hari mencari

dan begitulah
di satu hari aku tewas di pelukan ombak

It was a last minute confirmation, but I did go to Layar Tanchap. Lucky cause there was a slot free. Like the typical me who loves the art of microphone, I performed a freestyle. The beat and rythm was so excellent and mellow, made me re-alter my Anak Naga Dan Dermaga.Click here if you want to see me performing. Feel.

obsesiv maha kompulsiv

obsesiv maha kompulsiv
submisiv tanpa permisiv
komplikasi yang komprehensiv
adorasi terlalu posesiv

jangan sabitkan dulu sang aku ini
bila mana ingin aku luah rasa di qalbi
jangan jatuhkan terus verdik kau tadi
kerna jika jadinya itu, boleh pergi mati

bukan mistakenya aku kalau dia membagi
bukan khilafnya aku bila dia memberi
di setiap tertentangnya mata di setiap hari
matanya mengseduce aku ke mari

lalu bisa apa aku lakukan, wahai pak kiyai?
dia melintas di daun mata dengan longlai
menyapubuang sepi hatiku yang terabai
mendamai ombak onar via senyum membelai

alah! aku tahu benar perempuan itu gaya
kononnya malu tapi jujurnya dia suka
di depan kita berpura saja innocent gila
tapi the fact nya dia satu elusiv menggoda

dia purakan kegadisan sensitiv
walhal dia sebenarnya radioaktiv
dia ngongoikan suara sedusiv
dan hey aku bukan jantan pasiv

volupsi dia, giur aku tidak tertanggung
erupsi aku, takku biar tidak tersambung
dia kan si gula, salahkah aku menghurung?
aku kan si gila, salahkah aku merenung?

tapi sekadar pandangan itu tidak satisfaktori
aku mau lagi, mungkin substans yang materi
ingin aku simpan si bibir, sang mata juga jari
kerna kau milik aku, kan sayang? hari ini ke abadi

tuan hakim, itu saja defens saya, saya gulungkan
fikirkan logika, tanpa prejudis, tanpa baran
kami itu saling cinta cuma mungkin dia a little segan
yang di hari ku rangkulnya dia jerit minta dilepaskan

namun cuba kau lihat dia di situ sedang bahagia
sedang tidur menerbang di mimpi langit jingga
jika itu kau katakan psychodelik, kau gila
inilah makna sebenar kepada literasi cinta!

ever feel so hurt in love, u feel like hurting them? hehe. saiko.

p/s: this is made from a duet idea about twisted obsession for a very dear friend, my official photographer, my most loved scandal hunny bunn. haha. jgn mara fad. check his photos: http://fadphotography.fotopages.com

anak naga dan dermaga

puisi ini buat kamu anak naga
yang kejung di kulit tapi lentur di hati
puisi ini hanya untuk kita bercinta di dermaga
tika sang hati kita tewas di mimpi sakti

mungkin kah ada mungkin buat kita?
engkau itu naga dijanjikan keagungan satu hari nanti.
sedang aku cuma si gila ketagihan cinta
yang hidupnya cuma ada janji untuk mati.

anak naga, engkau itu amat indah keterlaluan
meski yang kau pamer cuma angkuh dan gagah
di lubuk dalam, kau lebih manusia dari insan
dan karena itu terus sajalah kau bermegah

anak naga, kenapa perlu aku ini sekadar manusia?
tidak bisakah aku dikasih dibelai disayang?
haluan kita tak pernah bersatu selamanya
kecuali di dermaga itu, di bawah bulan terang

ayuh menari di sinar rembulan di antara remang pagi
kerna di tika itu smua sudah lena, yang tinggal cuma kita
tarikan gemalai longlai di masa yang sedang pergi
waktu yang ada hanya tinggal sekelip ketika

bisakah aku rasa bibir itu, hai anak naga?
di tiap engkau tersenyum aku tewas bermimpi
melarik bahagia dalam anganan gila
sesungguh ku tak bisa sembunyi lagi

tapi pagi sudah sampai dalam kerlipan mata
aku kini sekadar si gila yang cuma ada diri sendiri
dan kau sudah harus kembali ke angkasa raya
tinggallah kisah ini sekadar mimpi dicarik mentari

puisi untuk jalang

engkau itu jalang
tatkala kau biar liurnya menjejes di tiap lintang tubuhmu
tika kau erangkan namanya di sekejung erotismu
waktu kau kaburkan kasih aku demi bohongnya.

engkau itu sundal
tatkala kau biar hati kamu bernanah curang
tika kau pandangkan wajah puas keparat itu
waktu kau lemparkan senyum palsu ku kira milikku.

engkau itu bangsat
tatkala kau rela jiwamu dimamah taburan dusta
tika kau kekeh meliuk getis dek jemari sialnya
waktu kau genggam ubunnya bagai aku dulu.

engkau itu bajingan
tatkala kau lelong hati aku ini pada angin
tika kau siat-siat jantung aku ke percaan
waktu kau henyak runtun nyawaku bertabur.

dan aku ini lelaki dayus
tatkala aku masih berlutut di muka pintu
tika aku melolong pada rembulan wajahmu
waktu aku mengemis sisa kasihmu.

yang bukan milik aku,
tak pernah milik aku.

i wrote this for a dear male friend, who, in my eyes are one dumb lovestucked. His girl was two-timing him, and still, uff. Stupid. But hecks, love is such a crazy lil thing.

mei ketiga-belas Itu

ingin saya mencanting angin,
melarik awan untuk mengisah
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

ingin saya merobek tanah,
memaku lumpur untuk cerita,
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

apa yang jadi, wahai atok wahai moyang,
Mei itu,
yang berdarah itu,
yang masih bernanah,
cuma diperbuat tak tahu.

aku mau pergi

pekikkan rasa cinta engkau
kerna aku sudah lupa
jerit sehabis nafas
maka aku ingat
maka aku ingat.

lepaskan aku si burung liar
bersarang di langit
bermandi di hujan
ini bukan rumahku
ini bukan rumahku

mungkin kasih sudah habis
mungkin jiwa sudah tewas
aku sudah ranap.

when my father said "you know better"

rebel sneakouts and harsh cussing fights,

screaming to the door, screaming all nights,

vengeance and hatred filled each part of vein,

rather drink my own blood, rather be in pain.

we hated each other, we hated to our bones,

even hated god, like "please get off thy throne!"

cause i felt he neglected me too much already,

i was so torn apart, so full of misery.

i wish i had a thrice better father, i said,

the type who showers me what i never had,

maybe just be that one to be very close,

or at least be a person who never oppose.

yes we were never pals, oh no how could we?

but look at this picture of both you and me,

we made snorting faces and there we grinned,

gosh look where we are now, where have we been?

i guess it started during school time, maybe,

when friends understood better than you could be,

and we just follow the flow, we drifted away,

until we made believe that everything is okay.

grew apart and that was never a big deal,

it's not that we don't care, we just cant feel,

but years gone by and i am now a woman,

and i want to fix it all, undo the pain and leash the demon.

such a feeling today, meeting my father,

t'was not planned but glad to see each other,

we hugged like nothing had ever happened,

ole friends we were oh my, out of that sudden!

so we started chatting and talking and laughing,

to the point where somehow i felt this comfort feeling,

that i burst a few tears about life and all,

how the world is hard and how i almost fall.

but my father just smiled and my heart just shatter—

when my father said to me "honey, you know better",

oh that was it, that was that moment i've waited,

the time i had been fighting for, and now i hate it.

i wish i am still his little girl, his little star,

i want to reverse it all, the stories we are,

i don't want to answer, i do not know better,

i need only one thing, i need my father.

lingkar terbang tembus tewas.

aku mau melingkar di juntaian bintang
aku mau terbang ke gelang bulan
aku mau menembus di kerahan bumi
aku mau tewas di tapak tanganmu.

aku mau yang itu itu
kerna yang ada ini tak pernah terpuaskan

aku mau hati ini mengerti
kau bukan milik aku.

yang aku harus terima
seperti tewasnya aku pada semua yang aku tak gamit di tangan,
juntai bintang itu,
gelang bulan itu,
kerahan bumi itu,
seolah itu.

kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu?

kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu
yang mukanya manis suaranya merdu
ke mana pergi mentari kan menari
hadirnya dia sepi kan pasti pergi

gadis itu sanggup memberi jika kau pinta
akan cebisan akhir rotinya walau engkau siapa
tiada balasan melainkan satu
kau sudi mencintanya ke akhir waktu

kenal atau tidak kau akan gadis itu
yang ketawanya ceria menutup sendu
taukah kau tentang renungnya yg tembus ke tujuh langit
sedarkah kamu akan hatinya yg merintih sakit

semua berkata ‘akulah temannya’ ‘akulah sahabatnya’
namun hakikat kenalkah kau dia
apa kau tau yang gelaknya nan riang
sekadar luaran yg tentunya jelas di tika terang

jujur sajalah, taukah kau yang di balik segala
di penjuru malam, tika bulan berselimut, setelah habis semua ketawa
sendirian gadis itu mengalirkan kesepian
lewat mata bundar yg asalnya kau kira menawan

mariku perikan kisah gadis ini
yang di sekian gelap jiwanya bernyanyi
menzikir nama kekasih yang tak pernah ujud
menanti kehadiran seorng pecinta untuk mencintanya dgn zuhud

dia ingin disayang dia mau dikasih
dia hendak dimanja diulit cinta bersih
namun tahukah kamu keinginan hatinya
atau sudahkah manis bicaranya buat kau buta

dia menyeru untuk ketemu di syurgawi
bosan amat dgn segala topeng hipokrasi
yang dia pakai sekian lama membahagia manusia
selain dia selain dirinya

kenalkah dikau pada kepenatan semangat si gadis
terlalu penat sehingga akalnya mengeluh sadis
zahir dia punya ramai taulan berjuta teman
hakiki, di hujung malam tetap dia sendirian

biar aku khabar pada kamu
gadis itu sedang menunggu dan sentiasa menunggu
datangnya satu lelaki yg bisa merangkul jiwanya
dan membawanya pulang ke desa asmara

kau takkan kenal gadis itu
kerana bijak benar dia menipu
kau takkan tau kerna dia malu menunjuk kosong hidupnya
kau takkan bisa kerna kau takkan mau percaya

di balik senyum yg kau suka lihat pada si wajah
ada sembunyi satu tangisan yang tak pernah sudah
di antara tawa yg dia pamer untuk kau puja
ada wujud rasa bohong yg entah bila akhirnya

kenalkah kalian padanya
gadis yg mencintai semua kecuali dirinya
kenalkah kalian pada gadis itu
dia ada di dekat di sini cuma kau yg tak tau.

abah

they promised me love, they said they were true,

hey showed me happiness, and i thought it was, too,

they whispered they’d stick around, they said they will,

they told me to fight the world, so i blindly go downhill.

and you warned me not to, and you reminded me all,

foolish as i was, i remained wrong yet i stood tall,

so we fought and talked back and we just didn’t speak,

all for the sake of my immature thought that I had grown big.

when everyone says “i love you-s”, i melted and proud,

but when we talk—all i can give is shout; and more shouts,

i long for love from others, when i have a mountain from you,

i guess i am not that smart as i thought—i guess you knew.

maybe i was jealous of my brother, maybe i wanted to be a son,

maybe i was just being silly, but maybe i want to be your only one,

maybe that’s why i believed what they had lied to me,

maybe that’s what i want to believe—instead of being sorry.

and then came the day when they all just disappeared,

i was left with all deceits—frustrated and lonely, i feared—

all you said became true, everything you warned happened,

i felt dead, i felt stupid, i felt useless out of that sudden.

surprisingly when everything went bad and disastrous,

and when i thought you’d kill me as you were so monstrous,

what shed me to tears was you were the only man behind,

giving your strength to support me physical and mind.

you are my only love, my only man, my only soulmate,

you love me to the seventh sky even though you had never said,

yes, we fought and stop talking and then we back to okay,

but only you , abah, who deserves this little girl’s father’s day.

i love you, more than i have loved anyone else.

(the clown's) suicide note

does anyone know me?
does anyone care to pity?
would anyone stop here?
would anyone shed a tear?

this is a suicide note, ladies and gentlemen,
from a sad, pathetic girl, full of lament,
stranded alone with none to share with,
muted by force, existed by myth.

mirror, mirror, tell me who do you see?
even the mirror said, 'Is there anyone talking to me?'
i wish for nothing but a sincere smile,
but even I can't love myself all this while!

'look, people! it's the clown walking towards!
come on, now, crack us a joke, or imitate that bird!'
and i'll be tiptoeing with laughter and warmth,
be mimicking all sorts of facade and forms.

by then, people loves my moves, adores my laughs,
all would envy my life, so free like doves,
what more could I wish but for me to be her,
walking in fame, the clown, with glitters.

seriously, does anyone know this girl?
can you describe the joy existed in her world?
she provides smiles on your face, little or big,
aids when you need, in health, in sick.

tell me, you did look at the clown in the eyes
and can you swear you saw happiness, fun and sly?
talk not to her lips but that small part of face,
the eyes that are cold, covered by water lace.

i am a primadonna on stage and in life,
i wont tell you anything but what you see in precise,
but hey, a clown wouldn't wear any frown,
after all, 'people, here comes the clown!'

so this letter is addressed to none,
when some of you might find this rather fun,
if a death would be counted as a loss,
mine would be seen as nature's force.

do I smell that bad?
was it the look I never had?
do I embarrass you?
was it the funny looking shoe?

should I pay for a hug?
must I spend thousands of bucks?
should I care not all of this?
must I fake it all bliss?

i wish to end this misery,
i wish to stop this lunacy,
but the more I wish the more I realize,
this suicide note doesn't value a thousand dies!

even if I cease my life under the spotlight,
yes, it's true, people, I would have might,
if the clown you desire on having,
then pity me, my life isn't worth saving!

adieu, adieu, you cruel world,
later I would be a corpse rather than a girl,
call me stupid, call me all names all over town,
but I refuse to be forever known as The Clown!

lari dan terus lari

berlari ke arah terbitnya mentari
dan berlari sambil mata terpejam
lari dan terus lari
lari untuk mengejar mimpi yang memadam

namun sekuat mana larian itu
takkan mampu memanusia sang impian
lari dan terus lari
pada satu ingin yang hanya harapan.

masih berlari menuju langit subuh
dan mendepang tangan untuk memeluk pagi
lari dan terus lari.
satu larian yang tak ada henti.

lari dan terus lari.
tanpa erti.
maka, berhentilah.

the 15 minutes on the stage

so this is my hum for you
to those who feel inadequate
and those who feel they are never good enough
to everyone who would feel this voice
feeling not perfect.

the truth is.
*humming*

the truth is,
*unslipping left heel*
my thighs are thick.

the truth is,
*unslipping right heel*
my feet are gargantuan.

the truth is,
*wiping off lipstick*
my lips are slanted.

the truth is,
*lifting up the shawl on the forehead*
my eyes are a little crossed.

the truth is,
*grinning wide*
my teeth are not straight.

*humming*

the truth is, I do not have that many of friends.
the truth is, I hurt those I love the most.
the truth is, I have problem being loved.
the truth is, I never see my worth.
the truth is, I have a father who i wish to impress.
the truth is, I have such a perfect brother in everyone eyes except mine.
the truth is, I am an ugly, full of hatred person.
the truth is, I hate myself every minute, day by day.

*complete silence*
The truth is, I have nothing to be proud of.
The truth is, I fake my smiles.
The truth is, I am sick of being the class clown.
The truth is, I have nothing.
The truth is, I possess nothing.
And all i have is this song.

*humming*
god, Make me be thankful.
god, Let me be in peace.
god, Make people love me please.
god, Make me love me.

*insert sad soprano song*
*complete silence*

thank you, beautiful people.
for making this plain person feels so full.

Close your eyes, and imagine.

the risk

what is it with my fear of being isolated?
having doubts i could never be someone's pet bird.
i wont lay down and let Death just come
when no one is next to give me his arm.

it's not that i'm desperate to have a company
well maybe im just jealous for those who have many
i need not thousands like diana or sue
only one for me to devote and turn to.

okay so i dumped five guys in a row
yeah like they'd be there for me in days of sorrow
it's not that i'm particular or being choosy
but hey we are talking about my future kid's daddy!

then i found you in the middle of un-readiness
when i am damn tired of all the madness
just like dews on cool leaves in the morning
you refresh my life in one fast blink.

but the more i'm avoiding, the more i'm on my knees
i dont want to be hurt, i want promises of peace
and though i said i'll survive without you
i fear every second you'll leave me out of the blue.

cause to commit to another is to take the first step
to the journey that ends with hurt in this relationship map
i cant stand the thought of losing you
but without reaching your hands, who knows if ever that is true?

so i will take the risk no matter how heavy
yes i will take the shame if ever you dump me
for how deep the sore, the pain, the hurt, the cut
i'll stay up straight cause you worth every blood.

always do

oh i just cant wait for that hug waiting for me upon my jump to your arms.
there in KLIA when i come back.
like i always do.

will definitely throw my bags to the floor, watching you watch me unharmed.
and listen to every single questions and checks.
like you always do.

then we'll kiss and we'll hug and we'll do all the yummy yum yum.
care not for the people, and say what the heck.
like we always do.

like we always have. like we will forever.
cause we love each other to the seven skies.
oh yes sure we do.

melankoli sang hati

menarilah jari!
tarikan sekian hati lara.
pada segala awan kebencian.
pada setiap hujan kepedihan.

tari biar gemalai.
maka sang penonton bersorak takjub.
sangkanya molek ditepuk pula tangan.
walhal hati tercemar duri.

perbetul sanggul kamu.
usah ingkar wahai mahkota hitam.
jemari, kisahkan yang terang.
diamkan yang malap.

tapi aku tak bisa, bangsat!
masakan mungkin ditari wajah cengeng?
sedang bahasa pun tersongsang
apa lagi membelit yang hak.

melankoli sang hati.
tapi jemari yang remang.
sebutan puisi ini hambar.
persetanlah kau jari-jari bodoh.

aku sebenarnya di kejauhan.
membungkus diri dari dunia.
kerana aku takut berdekat.
yang mana pasti tak selamanya.

find me a place to call home

there's a home where i used to live
where i used to start all my dreams and believe
i've been there as long as i can ever remember
that i care about anything else never

i lived there for ages and so long
alone i danced and hummed my song
about how i love being there in that little place
not knowing what one day i'll have to face

so here i'm telling u what happened one day
the home i lived in refused to let me play
stop sheltering me from bad Mr.Sun and cruel Mr.Rain
i was sent alone with nothing but pain

all by myself i wandered in the dark black jungle
finding everything is very hard to mingle
cold,lonely and sad without the home i had
asking every single day,"what did i do bad?"

with tears running on my silly chilled cheek
i found a new home,with my feet feeling weak
i saw no one staying there, so i supposed
maybe i can live there as the new host

the new home made me feel good again
though not as equal but i forgot my pain
i started dancing and humming and singing
the warmth and welcomed the new home had bring

i did not remember anything about my past
i forget this new happiness also would never last
when i was just starting to settle down
unsuspecting and shocked, this is what i found

the new home was another's home all this time
how heartbroken i was so i started this rhyme
again i am sent away to wander around
asking God,"do you like to see me down?"

now i am all alone again in this dark black jungle
hoping for something else to light and tinkle
but the more and more i think about this
the more and more i tremble my fist

maybe i'll go back to the ole home of mine
though i'm hurt the most by it, well it's fine
maybe it's better to be hated in ur own place
then begging other's mercy and sympathy and grace

if truly there's no place made me belong
if really there's no one to listen to my song
then it's not my fault that i'm born to be me
then it's not my mistake, this is life, simply.